LaFontaine's Laboratory (This Is Me)
by damianknight
Summary: My theory about LaFontaine, and why they like science so much. Set my other work's universe: The Vampire Hunter (But I Can't Help Falling In Love With You)


"No! Don't touch that!"

LaFontaine forcefully tackled Laura just as she reached out for the large beaker. They tumbled to the ground in a jumble of limbs. LaFontaine untangled themselves and bounced right up, checking Laura over for any stains. They looked at the beaker, making sure the volume was constant. Purple fluorescent solution fizzled within the glass, throwing sparkles everywhere. They breathed an audible sigh of relief. _Whew, everything looks normal._

"Sorry about that. Did I hurt you?" They offered Laura a hand and pulled her to her feet.

"No, you didn't. What's that?" she asked warily, backing away slowly from the container.

"Watch it!" They yanked Laura towards them, clasping her to their chest.

Laura uttered a frightened yelp, turning around to see that she almost walked into a huge flask of some unknown liquid.

"Geez, you've been here all of two minutes and almost died twice," they commented dryly, holding onto Laura's wrist. "That purple stuff is something the Alchemy kids made. I don't even know what's in it. But I've seen them pour some on a couple of mushrooms and they exploded. No joke."

Laura gulped.

"And that?" She jerked a finger at the flask.

" _That's_ a lot of ethidium bromide. We use it to run gels and stuff. It's an intercalating agent. Which means it's carcinogenic."

"Uh, why is it just sitting there in a huge cup?"

"I don't know. Those Alchemy idiots didn't think there'd be anyone else besides them in here. So everyone's pretty careful around it. Not a high chance of spills. But I've been telling them to aliquot it into small bottles just in case. They won't listen."

"Right. So, I'm not supposed to be in here?"

"Strictly speaking, no. But I mean it's kind of cool just to show you my projects. Like this one here."

LaFontaine proudly gestured at a poster with random green and red dots superimposed on a black background. Laura stared, trying to figure out what it was supposed to be.

"Uh, cool! Very, er, science-y. Is this a painting?"

"Nope. This's just a little gene expression experiment. Those dots are cells in the zebrafish gut. I took this picture using the confocal scope after doing a couple of double stained fluorescent immunos."

"Woah! How long did it take you to do this?" Laura animatedly peered at the poster, impressed by all the big words.

"About four days. I could've done it in three, but I had something bigger going on," LaFontaine replied, winking at her. _A whole lot bigger._ "Here, follow me."

They led Laura to the back of the lab, stopping in front of a stainless steel door. _She's going to enjoy this._ LaFontaine placed their hand on the pad jutting out from the wall. The machine beeped, reading their handprint. They stepped up to the eye scanner and let the laser skim their retina. It clicked softly, confirming their identity.

"LaF, are you sure this is okay? I mean, you have to go through so much security, and I'm clumsy and knock things over. I don't want to get you into trouble…and I don't want to die," Laura said anxiously as the door started sliding open.

"Don't worry. This is my room. Nothing in here'll kill you." They looked over their shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze.

A cold cloud of condensation enveloped them as the door retracted into the wall. They walked forward, towing Laura behind them. The temperature dropped about seventy degrees. Laura shivered. They frowned slightly. _I should've given her a lab coat or something._ But their excitement overrode their hospitality. _It's okay. It'll be quick._

"Behold," they said, sweeping their arm in a grand gesture over the neat array of items on the cold room benches.

They watched Laura's jaw drop and smiled to themselves. _Yeah, that's right. Took me years to do it._

"W-what? Are these body parts?"

LaFontaine nodded and let Laura gape for a few more minutes. They wanted to let this moment sink in.

"So, I don't know if Perr's told you, but I'm not human. Not completely. I'm a sentient robot with a human brain."

Laura opened and closed her mouth like a fish out of water. Her wordless confusion spurred them on.

"I'm one of Frankenstein's early experiments. A test subject, if you will. He wanted to see if it was possible to transplant a living brain into an inanimate object. So, here I am."

"Wow. But what's that have to do with all of this?" Laura gasped. "Is that a kidney?"

"Yeah, it is. Anyways, the robot gig was getting kind of old. And—," Here LaFontaine stopped. _Should I tell her the full story? I don't want her to think I'm a freak._

Laura seemed to sense their nervousness and nodded encouragingly at them. They took a deep breath.

"And I met Perry."

Laura's face broke into a smile.

"She made you do all this?"

"Yes, and no. She was totally okay with me being a robot. But, I didn't want to outlive her. And humans are generally more cuddly and warm and soft, which is better for, well, you know." They sheepishly paused, their cheeks reddening.

"What's the other reason?" Laura didn't even bat an eyelash.

"I've always _felt_ human too. Just in the wrong body. I didn't really do anything about it though until Perry. She was the one who made me decide to transition." They pointed at all the organs floating in their cryoprotectant solutions. "I started building body parts and transplanting them inside me. This's my stash of backups. In case something goes wrong and I have to redo a transplant."

"Is that why you're always in lab? And like science so much?"

"Part of the reason. Silas's kind of weird and scary too, so I like to dissect things. If you dissect it, it can't hurt you."

Laura looked floored. She stepped forward and examined a liver, gently pulsating in its tank. LaFontaine let her explore. This was their pride and joy. Not many people got to see it. Only Perry and Danny. And now Laura. They watched her complete a round and turn towards them.

"This is really cool, LaF! I'm really happy you showed it to me!"

Warmth blossomed in their chest. Although they'd done it twice already, shown someone else their room, they couldn't accurately predict how people would react.

"So, you don't think I'm weird?" they asked hopefully. _Just to be sure._

"Of course not! Why is this weird? If you're human, you're human. I'm so glad you're actually doing something about it." Laura gave them such a genuine smile that they couldn't doubt her sincerity.

"Thanks. I'm glad you think it's cool. I spend most of my time growing these so it's nice to have someone appreciate them." They started scrutinizing each tank, checking the organs for signs of degradation, while internally singing with joy.

Laura spoke after a couple more minutes.

"Um, LaF? I can't feel my hands," she said, her teeth violently chattering in her head.

"Oh, shoot. Sorry. I just get overexcited when I show people this." They quickly led the way out of the room, Laura following them. The door automatically shut and a disembodied voice read out the internal temperature. LaFontaine carefully checked the thermostat and lowered it a few degrees while listening to Laura blow on her fingers.

"Here. Try this Bunsen burner. Do you want some hot chocolate?" they asked, lighting the burner and opening a cupboard.

"Yes, please! But is it safe?" Laura gratefully held her fingers over the blue flame as she watched them open a can of cocoa and measure some into a presumably clean beaker.

"I wouldn't poison you. Not on purpose at any rate," LaFontaine responded, handing Laura the beaker. "Now, I wonder if I can use the milk from the Western Blot cabinet. Any objections?"


End file.
